Association of Gastroenterological Professionals · Fecal Meteorology Division

Shartnado Weather Center

Your trusted source for gastrointestinal weather intelligence

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SHARTNADO WARNING

Michigan, Indiana, Ohio — Do not trust any biological urge. Remain within 90 seconds of a toilet.

Issued by the AGP Fecal Meteorology Division — July 19, 2026

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Brown-Out Alert Panel

City-Level Infrastructure Failure Report — AGP Fecal Meteorology Division

MOCHA ALERT

Detroit, MI

"Do not trust yourself."

Infrastructure failure. All public restrooms at capacity. Portable toilets deployed to 14 locations. Residents advised to remain within 90 seconds of a toilet.

SEPIA WARNING

Indianapolis, IN

"Call ahead."

Severe strain on restroom infrastructure. Several public facilities closed due to unforeseen demand. Verify availability before leaving home.

CARAMEL ADVISORY

Columbus, OH

"Plan your route."

Elevated restroom demand. Some facilities reporting supply shortages of toilet paper and hand soap. Map your route with restroom stops identified.

BUTTERSCOTCH WATCH

Louisville, KY

"Proceed with caution."

Moderate risk. Restroom infrastructure stable but showing early signs of strain. Standard precautions advised.

Brown-Out Severity Scale

MOCHA ALERT: Do not trust yourself

SEPIA WARNING: Severe. Call ahead.

CARAMEL ADVISORY: Elevated. Plan your route.

BUTTERSCOTCH WATCH: Moderate. Proceed with caution.

Waft Advisory — Smell Travel Forecast

Michigan

Waft Gusts: 14–18 mph out of NNW

Smell Travel Time to Nearest Restroom: 45 minutes

Indiana

Waft Gusts: 10–13 mph out of SW

Smell Travel Time to Nearest Restroom: 30 minutes

Ohio

Waft Gusts: 8–11 mph out of W

Smell Travel Time to Nearest Restroom: 25 minutes

"If you are headed to the crapper in any EXPLOSIVE state, call ahead."

— AGP Fecal Meteorology Division Advisory, July 19, 2026

State-by-State Forecast

Michigan

73°F

Feels worse

Waft Gusts14–18 mph NNW

Humidity94%

Smell Delay45 min

Corn Event %87%

Shart Probability94%

Do not trust any biological urge. Remain within arm's reach of a toilet at all times. Michigan DTAF (Don't Trust A Fart) Advisory in effect.

Indiana

76°F

Feels considerably worse

Waft Gusts10–13 mph SW

Humidity88%

Smell Delay30 min

Corn Event %72%

Shart Probability88%

Do not trust casual flatulence. Indiana DTAF (Don't Trust A Fart) Advisory in effect. Restroom proximity strongly advised.

Ohio

74°F

Feels worse

Waft Gusts8–11 mph W

Humidity85%

Smell Delay25 min

Corn Event %65%

Shart Probability85%

Do not trust casual flatulence. Ohio DTAF (Don't Trust A Fart) Advisory in effect. Call ahead for restroom availability.

Kentucky

78°F

Uncomfortably moist

Waft Gusts6–9 mph SSE

Humidity72%

Smell Delay20 min

Corn Event %48%

Shart Probability62%

Elevated shart risk. Proceed with caution. Kentucky under SHART WARN. Standard restroom proximity recommended.

West Virginia

72°F

Humid

Waft Gusts5–8 mph NE

Humidity68%

Smell Delay18 min

Corn Event %35%

Shart Probability55%

Moderate shart risk. West Virginia under SHART WATCH. Proceed with normal caution.

Texas

91°F

Oppressively risky

Waft Gusts4–7 mph SSE

Humidity58%

Smell Delay15 min

Corn Event %22%

Shart Probability38%

Low shart risk but product was distributed in Texas. Monitor for updates. Warm Waft Advisory in effect for Houston metro.